Lifeblood
by queenpearl
Summary: From the episode "Saving Edward". Edward is ready and willing to give up but Thomas isn't going to let him go just yet! Rated for mentions of suicide! (Engines giving up!)


What does one do when one's very lifeblood runs thin? When, in a time where delicate balance must be maintained, where the line between being really useful vs becoming scrap metal is razor thin. Edward pondered these questions as he traveled along the coastline. It was summertime, the height of tourist season and more people than ever were visiting the island. Which meant that many more trains for him to manage. At any other time he wouldn't have minded the extra work but with every clack of his wheels he felt nothing but weariness. Each chuff left him weaker than the last and with every cycle his pistons gave him tremendous pain. Steam hissed eerily out of his cylinders. Being as old as he was he knew there would be times where something would break. He also knew that there would come a time when he couldn't be fixed and that was his greatest fear. Death itself no longer concerned him. He was not afraid to die. But he feared for his friends if that were to be his fate. Above all he feared for Thomas. His wonderful student. So innocent, even now... So Edward chose to keep his condition hidden from everyone. Best Thomas not know.

The next day Sir Toppham Hat came to the sheds. "Edward, there's a train of fresh vegetables that has just arrived at the docks. You must collect it and bring it to Napford." He said. "Yes sir." Edward replied without any eagerness. He was worried about his wheeze. It felt worse today. He'd already been out once this morning, shunting cars in the sidings and that had left him winded. He doubted he had the strength left to pull a heavy load of cars. Thomas was given his job as well to wish the little tank engine gave a happy toot of his whistle, responding far more enthusiastically than Edward had. Reluctantly, Edward left his shed, fighting back the pain as he fell into step with Thomas heading for the docks.

Thomas had noticed his mentor's quietness beginning the night before. Actually for several night now. His worried glances had gone unnoticed by Edward who would just slip quietly into his shed at night and go right to sleep. Now, traveling alongside him Thomas could hear Edward's wheeze. Every clack of his wheels was accompanied by a shudder, steam hissing in great quantities out of his cylinders. He could barely keep his speed up. Thomas took matters into his own wheels and called a halt next to the water tower. "What on earth is the matter? You don't sound well." He said worriedly. Edward looked down and away from him. "I can't seem to keep up steam properly." He rasped. "But I'll manage." As much as he tried to sound reassuring, Thomas wasn't convinced. Nor was he certain what to think when Edward begged him to keep it quiet. He couldn't imagine why his mentor didn't want Sir Topham Hat to know but he reluctantly agreed.

When Edward saw his train he couldn't help but hide a groan. It was larger than he thought. Thomas was standing by next to it and gave his mentor an encouraging grin. "Go on, give it a try." He said. Edward allowed himself to be coupled up then with a grunt he put his weight into the pull, forcing steam into his cylinders. The pain that struck him was sudden, intense, and almost unbearable but for a few seconds he remained in control of it. His wheels slipped on the rails, fighting for a grip. Thomas watched growing more concerned by the second. Edward had always been a fighter and it was clear that was still the case but his efforts had never failed before now. When he finally stopped trying he had his eyes closed. His teeth were tightly clenched and tremors rocked his frame. Thomas was alarmed to realize the latter was caused by pain. When Edward opened his eyes, they shone with agony. He had not felt this kind of pain in a long time. It was several long seconds before he was able to find his voice and speak. "I'm sorry Thomas." He wheezed miserably. _"No, don't apologize." _Thomas thought, deflating as he heard the tone of defeat in his mentor's voice. It was so unlike Edward to be so resigned. "You only just got here. Take a few minutes then try again." The tank engine tried to be optimistic but Edward looked down. "It's no use Thomas." He sighed. "I don't have the strength left to try again. Guess I'm too old." Thomas couldn't believe his ears. Edward, giving up? It seemed unthinkable. But he could see the resignation in the other's face, the pain that still shown brightly in his eyes. How badly he was hurting was anyone's guess but Thomas knew it must have been beyond agony to bring Edward down like this. He knew and wanted to help. He had to help his mentor. "I'll take your train." He said. Edward looked at him, surprised. "I'll do my other jobs and then come back as quickly as I can." Thomas promised and without waiting for a reply he raced off. Edward watched him go, not sure if it was right to let Thomas do his job for him. But what else could he do? Telling Sir Topham Hat would see him get scrapped for sure. Thomas didn't need to see that. Better for him to slip off quietly when no one was looking, back into some siding somewhere and let nature slowly cover him.

"Hurry up! Hurry up!" Thomas growled at the trucks as he biffed them harshly across the quarry. He needed to get this job done quickly. The sooner he did, the sooner he could get back and help Edward. His concern was more than just that. He saw something else in Edward's eyes besides the pain he was so obviously feeling. It was a look of hollow defeat, so foreign to the old blue engine it took Thomas' breath away when he saw it. He may've been one of the youngest members of the steam team, but he knew the look of an engine who saw their days as numbered. He had seen it on Oliver in the scrapyard. Seeing it on Edward made his firebox fizz with worry. His mentor was convinced he would be scrapped should his condition be discovered and Thomas, having witnessed the reliability of his wisdom on multiple occasions, had no reason to doubt that would be true. Which was why he needed to cover for him as quickly as possible. He would rather be shunted off into a siding, left alone and forgotten, than allow his mentor to be scrapped when he could do something about it! The troublesome trucks were not happy about being pushed about. "What for? Why should we hurry?!" They growled. Thomas's worry turned to anger. He was so angry he saw red and didn't bother explaining anything to them. "For Edward!" He huffed and biffed them crossly.

Edward waited for Thomas to return, knowing roughly how long the little tank engine would need to finish his usual jobs. Even if Thomas hurried, it would take longer than he was comfortable with. He wrestled with himself as he waited. Thomas couldn't keep this up forever, even if he managed to pull double duty for the day. Sir Topham Hat was bound to find out sooner or later and when he did he'd send Edward off to the scrapyard. The old engine had seen it before on the mainland. Many an engine with lesser problems had been left for dead, sold off to anyone who wanted the metal. Which was why after today he planned to disappear. He remembered his siblings, hearing their cries as they were taken away. His own pleas for them to come back. Pleas that still echoed in his head all these years later. He could not, would not put Thomas through that. Best to leave quietly. No one knew this island better than Edward did. He could find a quiet old siding somewhere where no one would ever find him and die there quietly, peacefully.

A sharp whistle snapped the old engine out of his thoughts. Thomas! The tank engine was red in the face from his mad rush to get here but he was grinning. He'd made good time. Edward was very happy to see him. "Don't worry Edward." Puffed Thomas. "I'll have your job done in no time. You go back to Tidmonth and I'll meet you there later." He said. Edward hesitated for a moment. Thomas had unknowingly provided him with a way to disappear right then, to not bother with farewells. And yet there was so much he wanted to say to his beloved student. The one he had helped raise. Thomas noticed his mentor's silence, the conflict in his eyes. "Edward?" He questioned. Edward blinked as if startled, then he offered Thomas his most reassuring and gentle smile. "Thank you Thomas." He breathed, watching as Thomas set off with his long line of cars. He himself moved out not long after.

It hurt! It hurt so much! Edward was near the point of tears as he went along the track. Every slight jolt felt like fire in his joints. Every pump of his pistons brought with it a backlash of agony. It was too much! He had to stop. He found a siding next to an old guardhouse. Not exactly ideal. It was too close to the mainline for his liking but it would do. As he came to a halt he could feel Charlie's hands on his side, and Sidney checking his wheels but neither their soothing touch nor their soft words were enough to overcome the agony he now felt. Even just sitting here felt like a burden. The tracks beneath his wheels felt like an obstacle preventing his inevitable collapse into the earth. The only way he knew his wheels were still attached was by how they throbbed, singing their pain into a chorus of pain. "Come on old boy." Charlie tried to coax him forward. "I know you still have some fight left in you." But Edward didn't move. Just the thought of moving hurt. He closed his eyes, trying to control his breathing and wait for the end.

"What's this about the wrong sort of coal?" Gordon's voice caused Edward to gasp and snap his eyes wide open. He looked across the track to the bigger blue engine. "What ever do you mean?" He asked. "Well Thomas said you took on the wrong sort of coal and that's why you couldn't pull your train. I've been sent to look for you." Gordon replied, eying Edward carefully. He didn't believe Thomas' story. In fact he suspected something much worse was going on. And he was right. Edward's eyes flashed guiltily and he looked down. _"Thomas, why would you do that?" _He thought but deep inside he knew the answer. Thomas was trying to protect him. And he was getting himself into trouble in the process. Edward could not allow that to happen. "I can't allow him to be punished for me. I must set things right." He decided. With a terrible groan that betrayed the pain he was in, he moved slowly forward. "Edward!" Gordon gasped, hearing the other engine's wheeze. "I must get to Napford." Edward rasped, eyes narrowed in determination. His fire had never felt so feeble before and his wheels felt so weak that they might snap and send his broken body into the earth but he battled on. Gordon settled into stride next to him, ready to couple up the moment the older engine couldn't manage anymore. But Edward refused to give in. Thomas needed him.

It wasn't a long journey to Napford but Edward was trembling by the time he got there. Thomas was still on the platform and his surprise at seeing his mentor and Gordon quickly turned to shock and worry when he saw the state of the former. "Edward! What happened?" He asked. "Nothing happened Thomas." Gordon answered for Edward as the older engine was too winded to speak at the moment. He himself was beginning to suspect what was going through Edward's mind. He'd seen the look on the other's face when he first pulled up alongside. Edward had been ready, willing almost, to give up. Gordon was certain he still was but he refused to go before he cleared Thomas' name. Gordon made a note to speak to both parties as soon as possible. Edward's attitude, while designed with good intentions, was not acceptable. All a steam engine had to do to die, besides crash, was to give up completely. And Thomas needed to be made aware of just how close to death his mentor came today.

...

They were strangely fortunate that Sir Topham Hat sent Edward to the steamworks. Such repairs as his would be expensive especially for an older engine but the head of Sodor's Railway was nothing if not kind and generous. When Edward was released from Victor's care he was as good as new and resumed his work on his branchline with vigor not expected by an engine of his age. Gordon meanwhile had informed Thomas of everything and needless to say the little tank engine was horrified that Edward would ever even consider disappearing like that. He resolved to confront his mentor about it as soon as possible. He just needed to think of a way how. By the end of the week he had his answer.

It happened when the pair were returning to Tidmoth sheds after a hard day's work. Both were red in the face and quite tired but pleased that they had been really useful. Edward went onto the turntable to back into his berth but he found his way blocked by Thomas. "Thomas?" He questioned, less confused about why his student was blocking the track and more confused about the look in Thomas' eyes. He had seen Thomas angry before. But he had never seen him this furious. Sparks all but flew from his eyes. He spoke in a low voice, the tone of which carried great weight to it. "Don't you ever, _ever _give up again! Don't you even think about it!" Edward's eyes widened and he made to reply but Thomas wasn't done yet. "Do you have any idea how worried I was? When I heard you'd left the docks I thought you were making your way Napford and had broken down. Then Gordon told me, don't be angry with him he was right to." He added quickly when he saw the anger flare in Edward's eyes. _"Damn that Express Coach. Sticking his buffers where they don't belong." _He thought. "I could have lost you that day! I very nearly did! You were, ready and willing to... Please don't ever do that again Edward." Thomas begged. The tears in his eyes caused the larger engine to soften his gaze. He moved forward onto the turntable, pressing his buffers lightly to his, the contact resembling a hug. "How could I ever leave such a kind little engine?" He asked. "You almost did." Thomas said. Edward looked away and for a moment he almost looked ashamed of himself. Then he met Thomas's gaze. "I won't do it again." He promised. Thomas sent his mentor a tender smile. "Thank you Edward." He sighed, much relieved.


End file.
